I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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