she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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