dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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