Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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