It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
