Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
