i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
