porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
