I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
