I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize