Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
