Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
