There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
