the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
