Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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