Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
