speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
