I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize