Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
