He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
