my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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