I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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