How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
