I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
