I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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