dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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