I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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