apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It's just like the Real World with babies
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
