That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
