She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
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You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
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I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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