who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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