I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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