two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
bring money and cleavage
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
