I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
