he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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