Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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