i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
