When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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