i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
