it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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