i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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