I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
