a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
