I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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