Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
