On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Randomize
