I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
