This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
