I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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