1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
