dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
