barbara walters just said penis...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
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I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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