babies were throwing up all over the place
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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