It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
