oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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