Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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