sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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