I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
