I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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